The Mountain of Fear and the Mountain of Joy

Wow. God never ceases to amaze me. He hears me, he watches me, he speaks to me. Check out this awesome story about some mountains......

I was reading my Bible this morning and my heart was stirred to read Hebrews 12:18-28. I didn't mean to stumble upon this chapter, I was actually going to read James. When I got to James, my page flicked back from a breeze and my eyes were drawn to this whole mountain story. I think the main thing that caught my eye was the Mountain of "Fear" since I recently confessed my great "fear of abandonment" as well as the fact that fear had been taking an ugly place in my new life that Christ has given me.

So I started reading....

The Mountain of Fear and the Mountain of Joy

 ¹⁸ You have not come to a mountain that can be touched and that is burning with fire; to darkness, gloom and storm; ¹⁹ to a trumpet blast or to such a voice speaking words that those who heard it begged that no further word be spoken to them, ²⁰ because they could not bear what was commanded: “If even an animal touches the mountain, it must be stoned to death.”^{[c] 21} The sight was so terrifying that Moses said, “I am trembling with fear.”^{[d]  22} But you have come to Mount Zion, to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, ²³ to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the Judge of all, to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, ²⁴ to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.
 ²⁵ See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? ²⁶ At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, “Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens.”^{[e] 27} The words “once more” indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.
 ²⁸ Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, ²⁹ for our “God is a consuming fire.”^[f]

I read this section a few times and prayed that God would help me understand what He wanted me to learn. It was clear as day. The only options for me, a woman from a broken family with many wounds, are FEAR or JOY. It is as simple as that.

So, option 1. The Mountain of Fear. Hmm.. This mountain is a terrifying place to be because "they could not bear what was commanded" at this mountain. It was too much. There is a great FEAR reigning on this mountain. Fear of inadequecy, fear of rejection, fear of failure. Perhaps the most terrifying thing about this mountain is that it "can be touched" meaning we as humans, can mess it up and screw it all up. Left up to our human failings, we find FEAR here because it is a mountain based on a performance level that we can not possibly "bear what is commanded" here.

For me, the Mountain of Fear is a place where I reside when I look at what is in front of me and then look at my own self and just think, "There is no way I can do this." This has been the place I have been in lately as I look at this amazing, Godly man set before me from God Himself, and then I look at myself.
It has been the place I retreat to when I feel the sting of rejection from my childhood that I thought was already gone. When little things happen to me in life that bring up feelings of rejection, I embrace it all too easily. I also retreat to this Mountain of Fear when something happens that for me triggers fear of abandonment. There is a great INSECURITY in this mountain. (If I screw something up, it will be over forever.)

Option 2. The Mountain of Joy. This mountain is where the Living God resides. It is where He wants you and I to reside with Him. There is JOY filling this mountain and overflowing. There is SECURITY on this mountain because the joy given to us is exactly that, it's GIVEN. We are learning how to receive on this mountain. We are receiving many blessings. We also find security in the fact that our names our written in the Book of Life. This mountain is God's for when you reside on this mountain, "you have come to the Living God". There is a newness on this mountain that reveals a new covenant to us that dispels all fear. There is a "better word" of hope that comes from living on this mountain. The best part of this mountain is that it "cannot be shaken". And because this mountain cannot be shaken: We are therefore thankful and at peace (secure), now able to worship God by trusting in Him as we show reverence and awe. We are now filled with security, peace, love, joy, trust, reverence, and awe. We are now pleasing to God as we live on this mountain of joy. For only then can we "worship God acceptably". 

 Funny how we get it backwards and think we should live on the mountain of Fear and strive to be good enough by trying hard in our own strength.

We may desire to be the perfect wife, friend, daughter, mother or sister and yet we may fail miserably. We must decide to live and reside on the Mountain of Joy and allow His sacrifice to cover us and therefore bring us security, peace, joy, love, trust, reverence and awe. When you first allow Jesus to be your joy and you have a reverent attitude out of a thankful heart for what HE has done for you, I assure you that you will be one step closer to living in freedom.

**This picture at the top was given to me today by one of my students right after God spoke all of this to me. My student said, "This is for you since you are getting married!" The students pointed to the black line and said, "That's the mountain you live on and that's your house." Wow. How much more could God be saying to me, "My daughter, here is my unshakable promise to you: you will live on my mountain of Joy with your husband and family and you will have NO FEAR but instead JOY and LOVE forever." I about lost it... God speaks so clearly!!!

 My prayer for you is that you will walk in the truth.... a Godly, woman has NO FEAR.

Proverbs 31:25 -  "She can laugh at the days to come."

Are you a loner??? Connecting With Others: WHY it's Crucial!

Are you a loner?

Connecting With Others: Why It's Crucial

Are you connecting with others? Or are you isolating yourself? WHY do I ask? Well, most everyone I know who is successful in life, are connected with OTHERS. This may seem easy, but there are many people, like myself, who has a tendency to isolate. I struggled with this for many years...


Why did I isolate myself you ask.... simply because I have been hurt and felt the sting of rejection, and didn't want to open myself up to that kind of pain ever again. After a childhood full of painful memories, I wanted to take control of my life as an adult and not allow myself to feel that same sadness. However, I locked myself inside of my own world, and I was not able to make connections with others, or pursue my dreams. I had a small group of friends I would open up to, but that was it. If they ever hurt me, I would put my guards up for a few months, and let them know that I will not tolerate that. I had no sense of true forgiveness. I expected everyone who was close to me to never fail me. In essence, I set myself up for disappointment, and my friends up for failure.

After I was hurt really bad from some of my friends, I ended up closing myself off completely. I remember enjoying shallow conversations more than anything real. I preferred a laugh over a cry. My heart started to become hard to protect myself....

...months later only to find myself bursting at the seams with sadness. I was all alone. The worst part was, I chose this for myself. I started to feel the pain of rejected others and isolating myself and knew that it was effecting me. I knew I only had one choice... I had to connect to others.


So, I did what was hard. I did what I did not want to do. I left my comfort zone and made some new friends. I opened up to them, a little at a time. I felt so relieved by taking that first step. Although it was going to take work on my part to have healthy relationships in my life, I knew it was worth it....

So much good has happened since then. I have grown more into the woman God has made me to be. I have chosen to take risks. I stopped letting fear of rejection control my relationships. I didn't let the past tell me who I am. I started declaring and believing who Christ says I am ...a new creation, pure in His sight, beautiful and beloved, Holy and sanctified, and forgiven.

As I became closer to the people in my life, I started to trust again. I started to give LOVE again and BE LOVED.

This is true life. I hope that you are experiencing this in your own life today. If not, here is a prayer below to help you:


"Lord, we need you. Now more than ever. We have experienced so many hurts and pains in this world. We have had to face trials that were at times too difficult to understand. We became hard and bitter through it all. Today, I want to be free. I want to forgive those who have sinned against me. I choose to lay it all at Your feet, knowing You are in control. Help me Father to ALLOW people into my life again. Help me to open my heart up to you God, and to others. I need you Jesus. I thank you for all you did on the cross to give me true life, and I claim it. In Your Name, Amen."

Got Dreams???

Does FEAR have the best of you???

What holds you back from taking that leap? Is it FEAR???

My desire as an educator and as a person who has come from great difficulties in the pursuit of my own dreams is to encourage children and youth to dream and then to do!!!

I kept my dreams in a bottle for years, tucked deep inside my heart.

I was afraid to TALK about them for fear they would never happen.

I was afraid to SPEAK them into words, for fear they would just be words. 

My dreams and my heart are one. 

There is a deeper purpose to your dreams than you think. 

You were created uniquely and only YOU can do what you were created to do. 

There is not one single person on this planet that can fulfill your dreams.

Please, do it afraid, do it alone, do it passionately, do it boldly, do it fearlessly, and do it with all of your heart. 

Don’t do it carefully. Don’t wait. The time is now. The time is here. The time is when you take your first step!

“Of all the people I have ever known, those who have pursued their dreams and failed have lived a much more fulfilling life than those who have put their dreams on a shelf for fear of failure.” –Author Unknown

In January 2011, I started my own children's organization called Dream Big, Do Big! It has been such a blessing being able to inspire kids to chase their dreams!

God is LOVE.

"And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me." 

Matthew 18:5

www.dreambigdobig.org

If Only We Knew

I would like to share a dream I had with you…. I felt it was from the Lord but I don’t want to be quick to make such a claim. Either way, I received some powerful insight.

THE CALL to DIE TO SELF and LIVE FOR CHRIST

In my dream I was asked to share with a group of believing people what I would “receive” from the Lord during worship time. It was a song I then received. The Lord had me sing it. I didn’t want to at first cause it required me to not care about how I was going to sound. Yet, I chose to allow the Holy Spirit to put the words in my mouth as I began to sing. “If you only knew, My people, if you only knew…… you would live your life for me.” I remember saying to these people that if we only knew how real He is, how good He is, how short this life is, we would be passionately obsessed with Jesus and doing Kingdom work. It was as if Jesus showed me how short this life is for a second, from His perspective, and how WORTH IT that is is, we LIVE for Him. Sold-out, 100%, no turning back, intentional, passionate On-Fire people of the Lord. What is it going to take for us, for our generation to stop looking for fulfillment in anything BUT Christ? What is it going to take for us as a people to KNOW that Christ is it? What is it going to take for us to follow HARD and INTENTIONAL after Christ with a reverent heart? What is it going to take for us to be willing to endure hardships, persecutions, sufferings for Christ? What will it take for us to be sold-out followers of Christ???

Losing Myself in You

August 1, 2011

“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.” Psalm 126:6

My mind, restless. My heart , aching. My soul, burning.

Tears have been rolling down my cheeks every day for the past few weeks. I continue crying myself to sleep night after night. Pain over choices, sadness over disappointments, and sorrow over my sin. I have never cried this much in my life. I have never felt my heart so broken and my dreams so shattered. How many screams can I call out for help with no answer? What am I to do with this pain? I am choosing to embrace my tears, release my hurt, and tell of my fears. I am choosing to forgive those who have hurt me in this life. I am choosing to be healed. I am choosing life. I am choosing Jesus. Yes, it feels really odd to embrace such a thing, but for me it is necessary. I have always run from this broken, desperate place I find myself in. But, not this time, not now, not ever again.

Psalm 77:8 “Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?”

In a little over a year, I have gone through a broken engagement, a violent relationship, lost friendships, I have left behind my teaching career, won the title of Miss Nevada, started modeling and even started my own kids organization. I have gone up in some ways and down in others. I have sought the heart of God in quiet moments though out my slam packed days. I have tried to attend church weekly.

Yet, now I find that I am at a crossroad. Another crossroad. I don’t like these darn crossroads. Why can’t everything stay the same? Why am I faced with these life decisions where I feel if I go the wrong way my life will flip upside down. Why can’t God just say, “DO this!” Why do I have to wonder, debate, and analyze? I feel so up in the air. I know that no one likes making decisions. Why is that? Is it because we have to be responsible? Is it like we are counting the cost ahead of time and don’t want to do what’s up ahead? And yet in all of this, I have peace. His peace. No, I have no idea where I am moving in two weeks, but I know He will speak.

I have decisions to make that feel too big to handle. What does God have for me at this moment in my life? Where should I go? What do I want in my life? Where should I spend my time and energy? What is most beneficial for my walk with the Lord? But the most important question I am asking is, “What are God’s purposes for me?”

And this is what He spoke to me:

Testify He says. Testify of My love. Let your life shine My love. Tell people everywhere what I have done in your life and in your heart. Tell them where you came from. How I rescued you from the years of  bondage.

All of your delight is in Me he whispers. So no matter where you go, since I will be there, you will always have joy. Stop trying to find your joy in a person. In a career. In a passion. In a child. In a home. In a city. In a moment. Stop looking around you. Look at Me. Listen to Me. Learn from Me. Love Me. Like Me. Sell everything you own. Empty your life of anything that distracts you from Me. Get rid of false ideas about this life being about you. Stop expecting people to fulfill you in the least. You are driving yourself crazy and you are only getting hurt more.

You don’t need anything this world has to offer. You only need Me. My love. I am enough for you. I am more than enough for you. Let me fill your life with Myself. Let Me give you greater purpose than what you can even imagine. Let me fulfill your desires. Let it be Me, My child. Let it be Me that fulfills you. Let Me make you have joy, laughter, love and life. Stop feeling the rejection of the world and embrace My love and perfect acceptance of you. Embrace ALL I am offering you. Stop seeking it from people and this world. It hurts me to see you so sad, yet you are sad over your disappointments of things I have never promised. I never said I will bring you a man to fulfill you so that you do not need me or long for me any longer. I have not said I would make you successful so that you would not need to rely on Me as your provider. I have not promised to give you a family that will comfort your every need so that you would not call out to me from the depths of your soul, alone in the dark. My child, who has been the one who cares about the aches in your soul? Who has been the one who understands you fully? Who has been the one who counts your tears? Who has been the one that speaks to you when no one else does? Who has been the one to clean up your mess, forgive your mistakes, free you from bondage, set you in a steady place and clothe you with righteousness? Who has been the one to stop the people from throwing stones, rescued you from your own hopeless fate, and put a new song in your mouth? Who has been the one that removed your stains, raised your head up, and blessed you with mercy? Who has rescued you from yourself when you were ready to sell your own soul? Who has SHOWN you YOUR WORTH by what has been DONE for YOU on the CROSS? My child, Wake up at this hour! For such a time is this! Leave it all behind and RUN to Me! Leave your expectations, your fears, your sadness, your success, your comfort, your fun… and RUN TO ME! Bring me your broken, torn-apart heart and lay it in My hands. Trust me with it. Please, my daughter, I beg of you to trust me. I am Your Father. I want the best for you. Don’t you see it? Do you think I went through all of that suffering for nothing? Did I gain anything from that for myself? No, my daughter, I did it for you. And I did it for My children. Now GO and tell of this WONDERFUL NEWS! I have come to free the captives, and rescue the orphans! I have come to SAVE people, to RESCUE everyone who will accept Me. I have FOUGHT for My people, I have given My own life, I have faced death every moment and every hour. I have been beat, destroyed and humiliated. Yet, I never gave up. I FOUGHT to the end and gave EVERYTHING for YOU! I cannot force you to embrace, accept and receive what I have done. But I plead with you to open your eyes and recognize everything you are missing and desire is found is Me alone. I am your good Father. I have been the only one in your life that desires good for you. True good without selfish motives. No one on earth can do that. But I promise everything I have planned for you is for your good. Trust me daughter. Please give me trust as your father. I promise to not let you down. You gotta know that, okay? When this world gets tough, you gotta know that we are on the same team, okay? When everyone turns against you, even your “Christian” friends, you gotta know that I am still here, okay? When you feel so alone, you need to know I am not the one torturing you. I am with you always. Right beside you. Feel my presence. Embrace my comfort and do not demand I comfort you how you want to be comforted. You do not know about my love. It is not something you can learn through any human relationships because those are conditional. People cannot love you unconditionally like I do. Stop expecting them to. Run to Me and My unconditional love. Run here Child, for I WANT YOU. I am longing for you. There’s never a moment in the day I am not waiting for you to say hi. I am anticipating your smile, your face, your heart. Here I am daughter. Feel me? Yes, that feeling is Me. I am right where I want to be. Close. Let me dwell with you. Remain here My Daughter, My chosen one. This is the best place for you. It has taken much to get you here. Do you not see it? The fight, the battle to get you here? The lies you believed were conquered by My power. Truth won every time. The demons put up a fight for your life and each and every time, they held no power. Every time you sought me in those battles, the fight for your soul, I won and they fled away from you. We are in this together my daughter. Every time you find yourself in the fight for your life, your soul.. call out to me. Together, with My spirit, we will win every battle we face. The greatest challenge you will face in this life is believing I am the best thing for you. You will be tempted to run from Me. I want you to know this. You will not naturally desire Me my daughter, it just isn’t so. You are in the flesh now. The flesh doesn’t understand sometimes. It is blinded to Spiritual insight naturally. You need to live in the Spirit, in My spirit. Die to your flesh. It is okay to hate that part of you. Don’t give in to its selfish desires. Run from them. Every time you run from them, you will be fighting the battles for your soul.

Choosing to Change - In 5 Days :)

“Choosing to Change in Five Days.” I don’t know the source, but it’s helped me out of a few “holes” in my life.


Day 1: I went for a walk down a street. I fell into a hole. I didn’t see it. It took me a long time to get out. It’s not my fault.
Day 2: I went for a walk down the same street. I fell in the same hole. It took me a long time to get out. Why did I do that?
Day 3: I went for a walk down the same street. I fell in the same hole. I got out quickly. It is my fault.
Day 4: I went for a walk down the same street. I saw the hole. I walked around it.
Day 5: I went for a walk down a different street. I can’t handle it when I go down that street. Every time I go down that street, I feel something sucking me down that hole! I’m not going down that street anymore! I don’t like what happens on that street. And when I get there, I can’t handle it. I don’t want sin to reign in my body so I’m not going down that street anymore.


Living for God is day by day. Choose it.

Beauty.... and the BEAST that comes with trying to attain it.

"Charm is decceptive and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30



As I am getting ready to check into the hotel on Thursday for the week festivities leading up to my national pageant, and it is supposed to be the most exciting time of my life... the moment any girl would be waiting for and anticipating almost as much as her wedding day or some other important life event, something just doesn't feel right in my spirit.

After becoming Miss Nevada and leaving behind my teaching career, the past 6 months has been a big blur.  Modeling, photo shoots, castings, community events, appearances as Miss Nevada, launching my own kids organization, speaking to kids/youth at different organizations, working at the salon, and laundry... forget about it!



I had a little melt down on Sunday and told a dear friend, "I'm just not prepared for this pageant. I am 5 pounds more than I should be. I am so mad at myself. I could've done better." I vented to her for a good hour. I have not had the time for personal training sessions like I did for my last pageant. I have also not resorted to starving myself to lose 5 pounds in a week. I told my friend everything. I got it all out.... My fears of competing in a pageant as I truly am versus someone I am not. I always talk about being "real" so here is my chance to put all of my true self out there as I really am, right?



It was then that I realized what really matters as a woman. My heart. What is God doing in my heart through all of this? What is He showing me? Well, He is showing me what is truly important in this life. That I know Him. Not just know about Him, but truly know Him.

My delight is in Him. I truly enjoy time with my Papa. When I spend time with Him, I am fulfilled, I am living for a purpose, I receive strength, I have hope for my life and I just truly enjoy being in His presence. He makes me a better person.

Beauty is for a time. It is temporary. It is not fulfilling. And it is not supposed to be. It is only supposed to make you FEEL like you can attain it, yet you never will. You will never look how you want to look. There will always be one more new invention that will have you one step closer to believing, this is what we need to be "complete" or "beautiful".

I have realized now more than ever that beauty is just another facade in the desert calling my name..... "Jessica, being beautiful will fulfill you".

 Ha. All I can do is laugh. Ya fricken right. Beauty isn't even a fun thing to try and attain. It was for a minute because I love being a girly girl, but once it becomes a job, or a reason you can lose your job, it is not fun anymore. And being only 5'4... I couldn't grow taller no matter how hard I tried! It was an endless fight to look tall and lean when I was short.

We've all heard it before. Beauty is on the inside. But if we could have it our way, would we want it to be that way... or would we only go after the outside beauty if we thought we could attain it? I wouldn't suppose it would be a bad thing if we could actually attain "it". But the "it" we are trying to attain isn't humanly possible. And it isn't human. Last time I checked, humans were human. Imperfect bodies, flaws and all. Yet, beautiful hearts that have the potential to change the world with the way they love and embrace themselves because the world needs more people to feel beautiful and know their worth has nothing to do with their outward appearance. (I'm not saying being healthy and looking nice is bad.) Women are working harder than ever these days and looking better than ever too! We all as women need to take a stand against the lie that if we only do this or that, we will be close to being the "beautiful" woman we want to be. WE ALREADY ARE THAT WOMAN TO GOD. It's not our fault if the world doesn't see us that way already, but we can help by not giving into the lie. Choose today to feel beautiful. Feel amazing. Because you are. God doesn't make any ugly daughters. All of His girls are flawless. You may not feel important to the world or to a guy, but you are important to Him!!! He thinks about you all the time!! You are not last on his list! You are first!!! You are fearfully and wonderfully made!!




I have been honored to wear a crown this year and well, I've gotten to do MANY things this year that many girls only get to think about doing. I saw things I normally wouldn't be able to. I met people and celebrities and went places I never thought I would have the privilege to. A very eye-opening year so far.
 

If I win Miss United States 2011, I plan to expand my kids org. and speak to many more students and bring hope to a lost world, share my story of what that hope did in my own life, and tell them who my hope is... Jesus. 

And if I don't win, I will take the good of this year....I spoke into many children's lives. I started my own children's organization. And ultimately, I realized what true beauty is. It cannot be seen outwardly. Nor can it fulfill any desire of my heart.

Being in God's will is the always the BEST place to be. I pray that whether it's here as Miss United States, working a normal job here in Nevada or serving in some orphanage in Asia, Jesus would always be my purpose. That I would know Him more.




THANK YOU to everyone who has believed in me and God's plan for me in all of this.  =)

Mom, my biggest fan. Thank you for loving me even when I am a mess. I love you. Thank you Jenna for being the best sister a girl could ask for. You are flawless. God has taught me so much through you baby. Shawnee, for all of your inspiring talks and pointing me to Him always. Love you Shanksters, you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met.




See you all after the pageant!!!!!!!!!!!!!


xo,
Jess