August 1, 2011
“Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest.” Psalm 126:6
My mind, restless. My heart , aching. My soul, burning.
Tears have been rolling down my cheeks every day for the past few weeks. I continue crying myself to sleep night after night. Pain over choices, sadness over disappointments, and sorrow over my sin. I have never cried this much in my life. I have never felt my heart so broken and my dreams so shattered. How many screams can I call out for help with no answer? What am I to do with this pain? I am choosing to embrace my tears, release my hurt, and tell of my fears. I am choosing to forgive those who have hurt me in this life. I am choosing to be healed. I am choosing life. I am choosing Jesus. Yes, it feels really odd to embrace such a thing, but for me it is necessary. I have always run from this broken, desperate place I find myself in. But, not this time, not now, not ever again.
Psalm 77:8 “Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time?”
In a little over a year, I have gone through a broken engagement, a violent relationship, lost friendships, I have left behind my teaching career, won the title of Miss Nevada, started modeling and even started my own kids organization. I have gone up in some ways and down in others. I have sought the heart of God in quiet moments though out my slam packed days. I have tried to attend church weekly.
Yet, now I find that I am at a crossroad. Another crossroad. I don’t like these darn crossroads. Why can’t everything stay the same? Why am I faced with these life decisions where I feel if I go the wrong way my life will flip upside down. Why can’t God just say, “DO this!” Why do I have to wonder, debate, and analyze? I feel so up in the air. I know that no one likes making decisions. Why is that? Is it because we have to be responsible? Is it like we are counting the cost ahead of time and don’t want to do what’s up ahead? And yet in all of this, I have peace. His peace. No, I have no idea where I am moving in two weeks, but I know He will speak.
I have decisions to make that feel too big to handle. What does God have for me at this moment in my life? Where should I go? What do I want in my life? Where should I spend my time and energy? What is most beneficial for my walk with the Lord? But the most important question I am asking is, “What are God’s purposes for me?”
And this is what He spoke to me:
Testify He says. Testify of My love. Let your life shine My love. Tell people everywhere what I have done in your life and in your heart. Tell them where you came from. How I rescued you from the years of bondage.
All of your delight is in Me he whispers. So no matter where you go, since I will be there, you will always have joy. Stop trying to find your joy in a person. In a career. In a passion. In a child. In a home. In a city. In a moment. Stop looking around you. Look at Me. Listen to Me. Learn from Me. Love Me. Like Me. Sell everything you own. Empty your life of anything that distracts you from Me. Get rid of false ideas about this life being about you. Stop expecting people to fulfill you in the least. You are driving yourself crazy and you are only getting hurt more.
You don’t need anything this world has to offer. You only need Me. My love. I am enough for you. I am more than enough for you. Let me fill your life with Myself. Let Me give you greater purpose than what you can even imagine. Let me fulfill your desires. Let it be Me, My child. Let it be Me that fulfills you. Let Me make you have joy, laughter, love and life. Stop feeling the rejection of the world and embrace My love and perfect acceptance of you. Embrace ALL I am offering you. Stop seeking it from people and this world. It hurts me to see you so sad, yet you are sad over your disappointments of things I have never promised. I never said I will bring you a man to fulfill you so that you do not need me or long for me any longer. I have not said I would make you successful so that you would not need to rely on Me as your provider. I have not promised to give you a family that will comfort your every need so that you would not call out to me from the depths of your soul, alone in the dark. My child, who has been the one who cares about the aches in your soul? Who has been the one who understands you fully? Who has been the one who counts your tears? Who has been the one that speaks to you when no one else does? Who has been the one to clean up your mess, forgive your mistakes, free you from bondage, set you in a steady place and clothe you with righteousness? Who has been the one to stop the people from throwing stones, rescued you from your own hopeless fate, and put a new song in your mouth? Who has been the one that removed your stains, raised your head up, and blessed you with mercy? Who has rescued you from yourself when you were ready to sell your own soul? Who has SHOWN you YOUR WORTH by what has been DONE for YOU on the CROSS? My child, Wake up at this hour! For such a time is this! Leave it all behind and RUN to Me! Leave your expectations, your fears, your sadness, your success, your comfort, your fun… and RUN TO ME! Bring me your broken, torn-apart heart and lay it in My hands. Trust me with it. Please, my daughter, I beg of you to trust me. I am Your Father. I want the best for you. Don’t you see it? Do you think I went through all of that suffering for nothing? Did I gain anything from that for myself? No, my daughter, I did it for you. And I did it for My children. Now GO and tell of this WONDERFUL NEWS! I have come to free the captives, and rescue the orphans! I have come to SAVE people, to RESCUE everyone who will accept Me. I have FOUGHT for My people, I have given My own life, I have faced death every moment and every hour. I have been beat, destroyed and humiliated. Yet, I never gave up. I FOUGHT to the end and gave EVERYTHING for YOU! I cannot force you to embrace, accept and receive what I have done. But I plead with you to open your eyes and recognize everything you are missing and desire is found is Me alone. I am your good Father. I have been the only one in your life that desires good for you. True good without selfish motives. No one on earth can do that. But I promise everything I have planned for you is for your good. Trust me daughter. Please give me trust as your father. I promise to not let you down. You gotta know that, okay? When this world gets tough, you gotta know that we are on the same team, okay? When everyone turns against you, even your “Christian” friends, you gotta know that I am still here, okay? When you feel so alone, you need to know I am not the one torturing you. I am with you always. Right beside you. Feel my presence. Embrace my comfort and do not demand I comfort you how you want to be comforted. You do not know about my love. It is not something you can learn through any human relationships because those are conditional. People cannot love you unconditionally like I do. Stop expecting them to. Run to Me and My unconditional love. Run here Child, for I WANT YOU. I am longing for you. There’s never a moment in the day I am not waiting for you to say hi. I am anticipating your smile, your face, your heart. Here I am daughter. Feel me? Yes, that feeling is Me. I am right where I want to be. Close. Let me dwell with you. Remain here My Daughter, My chosen one. This is the best place for you. It has taken much to get you here. Do you not see it? The fight, the battle to get you here? The lies you believed were conquered by My power. Truth won every time. The demons put up a fight for your life and each and every time, they held no power. Every time you sought me in those battles, the fight for your soul, I won and they fled away from you. We are in this together my daughter. Every time you find yourself in the fight for your life, your soul.. call out to me. Together, with My spirit, we will win every battle we face. The greatest challenge you will face in this life is believing I am the best thing for you. You will be tempted to run from Me. I want you to know this. You will not naturally desire Me my daughter, it just isn’t so. You are in the flesh now. The flesh doesn’t understand sometimes. It is blinded to Spiritual insight naturally. You need to live in the Spirit, in My spirit. Die to your flesh. It is okay to hate that part of you. Don’t give in to its selfish desires. Run from them. Every time you run from them, you will be fighting the battles for your soul.
